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Thread: Little Johnny Jokes!

  1. #1

    Little Johnny Jokes!

    I'll start with one.

    2+2+2=7_

    You gotta love him!
    Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
    Johnny: Seven, Sir.
    Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
    Johnny: Seven, Sir.
    Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
    Johnny: Six.
    Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
    Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
    A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
    A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a frikin' cat!!!
    It's Impossible to Lose Your Footing, If Your On Your Knees"

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  3. #2
    Team Dirt Bag NUTTZ T8er S.'s Avatar
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    Re: Little Johnny Jokes!

    Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has to tell a big lie explaining why.
    The teacher tells the headmaster that she is fed up with his exaggerations.
    The headmaster tells her to send Billy to him the next time he turns up late.
    He'll tell Billy a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever!
    The next day Billy shows up two hours late.
    Billy says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school.
    I caught a seventeen pound trout and had to take it home.
    If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mum would've been angry. That's why I'm so late."
    The teacher promptly takes him to the headmaster's office and explains the story to him.
    The headmaster tells Little Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
    He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me.
    I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me.
    He was twenty four feet tall and had six-inch fangs.
    He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear.
    The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me.
    What do you think of that, Johnny?"
    Little Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."
    Last edited by T8er S.; 11-09-2013 at 04:06 PM. Reason: Don't bears eat trout

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  5. #3

    Re: Little Johnny Jokes!

    "Little Johnny strikes again"


    The teacher asked the

    class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.



    Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm and we

    all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'



    The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate,

    not fascinating'.



    Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City

    and I was fascinated.'



    The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,

    not fascinated.'



    Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been

    burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could

    damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.



    Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tatas are so

    big she can only fasin eight.'



    The teacher sat down and cried
    .

    It's Impossible to Lose Your Footing, If Your On Your Knees"

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  7. #4

    Re: Little Johnny Jokes!

    > The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
    >
    > Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
    >
    > The next day the kids came back, and one by one began to tell their
    > stories.
    >
    > "Little Johnny, do you have a story to share ?"
    >
    > "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot
    > in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
    > territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
    > survival knife.
    >
    > She quickly drank the whiskey on the way down, knowing it would shatter
    > and go to waste otherwise, and just then her parachute landed her right
    > in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
    >
    > She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
    > killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
    > killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
    >
    > "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
    > daddy tell you from this horrible story ?"
    >
    > "Stay the f--- away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."
    It's Impossible to Lose Your Footing, If Your On Your Knees"

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  9. #5

    Re: Little Johnny Jokes!

    Little Johnny
    is at it again



    President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
    classes.


    They were in the
    middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked
    the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.



    So our illustrious democratic President asked the class for an example of a'tragedy'.



    One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
    is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would
    be a tragedy?'



    'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an
    accident.'



    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove a
    over a cliff, killing everyone

    inside, that would be a tragedy.'



    'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama.
    'That's what we would call a great loss.'



    The room went silent.. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the
    room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
    tragedy?'



    Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet
    voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a
    'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a
    tragedy.'



    'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That'sright. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'



    'Well,' says Little Johnny, 'It has to be atragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a
    great loss... and it probably wouldn't be a damn accidenteither.
    It's Impossible to Lose Your Footing, If Your On Your Knees"

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  11. #6

    Re: Little Johnny Jokes!

    One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard. The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate. "Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked. "My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied. "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor. "That's because he's inside your cat!"
    It's Impossible to Lose Your Footing, If Your On Your Knees"

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  13. #7
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    Re: Little Johnny Jokes!

    The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
    She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
    Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
    He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
    After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
    His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
    Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

    Last edited by T8er S.; 11-10-2013 at 07:19 AM. Reason: Word to your mother little Johnny

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    Re: Little Johnny Jokes!

    One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
    First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
    "Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy.
    "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
    "Excellent, Michael!"
    Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...
    Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, Beautiful, just f*%@# beautiful!"
    Last edited by T8er S.; 11-10-2013 at 07:21 AM. Reason: you are soooo.....

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    Re: Little Johnny Jokes!

    Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
    Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
    "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
    "Great," Little Johnny replied.
    "Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
    "Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

    Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
    "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
    He then dropped the second worm in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.
    Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

    On the way home from the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quiet and sad.
    His father noticed him crying and asked, "What's wrong, little Johnny?"
    Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you!"
    ..
    ------
    Last edited by T8er S.; 11-10-2013 at 07:29 AM. Reason: wine is fine but whiskey's quicker

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    Re: Little Johnny Jokes!

    The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
    Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
    "Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

    "He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

    Little Johnny was getting bad grades in school.
    One day he stepped up to the teacher's desk, and announced,
    "I don't want to scare you Miss Finch, but daddy says if I don't get better grades... somebody is gonna get a spanking."

    Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you believe in the Devil?"
    "No," said Little Johnny. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."
    The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months."
    Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
    Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."

    Last edited by T8er S.; 11-10-2013 at 07:39 AM. Reason: Bet Miss Finch is cool with that

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